Subside

You can talk to me and I can laugh
At all the right times,
But that doesn’t mean we’ll ever fall in love.

We can kiss,
And we may dance in the moonlight
But I can’t say I’ll see the stars in your eyes
And the heavens in your smile or the angles of your bed sheets
In the morning.

We may share the stories of our parents
Falling in and out of love
And we may drink the beers that drove us to the bars,
But when the morning comes, the laughter won’t have died
And I’ll still be breaking hearts with every switching of the tide. It rolls in.

I swear I don’t enjoy it.
I can’t find the happiness in anyone else’s eyes but mine
And I have yet to find it there, so,
I digress.

I try so hard to leave.
I try so hard to leave but that means disappointing you
And saying no when I can’t breathe. So we probably kissed.

And we may still dance in the moonlight,
But that doesn’t mean we’ll ever fall in love
Or find the missing link in my own meekly swaying ego. Where’s my drink?

I need a break from falling in obsession and
Falling out of breaking hearts and shutting off my phone. I need a break.

When all the revelry subsides and I’ve been dragged through all the rites of socializing by night and I’ve missed my bedtime,
I need a nap. And a suicide
Of falsely held confessions and submissive condescensions.
Maybe if I stopped believing there is someone out there who will change my mind —
And my mama asks if I might ever be a bride.

I need a break.

Then maybe I’ll stop collecting evidence to suggest
I don’t have the ability to fall in love.

But we breathe too deeply to break the contracts of social obligation
So, we probably kissed, and I’ll probably miss the mark again. I’ll probably
Miss the mark again. I’ll probably kiss some man again
And I’ll get excited when he laughs at all my jokes until
I don’t.

And I don’t take the call again.

I put on another hoodie and I ask
Why am I so cold.

It rolls out.

Stay gold,
Sabrina